Working undercover with a northern lass called Leanne, I’ve managed to acquire the wiretap tape of a conversation between a bloke called Dom and his Mam in the North East…
Dom’s Mam: Hellooo…0191 24242424
Dom: Hello Mother it’s me Dom. How are you, I mean, Y’areet Mam, hope you’re not feverish or coughing or anything
Dom’s Mam: Eeh, hello our Dominic, pet, lovely to hear your voice, I know you’re busy with all that eugenies stuff, so I won’t keep you
Dom: Narrh, it’s alreet, I rang you, didn’t I? Anyway, you’re birthday’s coming up…shall we bring the bairn up to see you?
Dom’s Mam: Eeeh, that’d be lovely pet, but what aboot the lockdown rules and that covfefe virus, like though?
Dom: Aah, divvent worry about that, I’ve got it covered
Dom’s Mam: What do ye mean covered?
Dom: Well, we think Mary’s got Covid like already so she’ll have herd immunity by now, which is like what cows get when they meet a badger, like, so we’ll use that as an excuse to bring the bairn up so you can look after him while we isolate
Dom’s Mam: But, isn’t that breaking them rules, like, it says on the government’s webshite that you should stay hyem if somebody’s ill with it in yer hoos.
Dom: Aye, it’s nay worries though, I wrote the rules, I can break them
Dom’s Mam: Eeh, we never brought you up to be like that our Dominic
Dom: Narrh, it’s fine Mam, we’re coming up anyway, I’ve got me ABBA CD and the bluebells are out at Barnard Castle, it’ll be geet lush, we’ve wrapped yer pressie already…spoiler alert, haha.
Dom’s Mam: Well, if you really think it’s safe to travel 250 miles with all of you possibly ill and risk getting delayed or having an accident and having to stop at all them horrible services and bring the bairn even though yer Dad and me are old, like, and vulnerable, it’d be lovely to see you…divvent worry aboot a present for’uz though, just seeing you all will be present enough
Dom: See you at the weekend, tara Mam and Happy Birthday…
Dom’s Mam: Aye, okay, see you then, don’t waste any more minutes now, pet, tara, love you.